Detrans / desist / resist - Anyone here ever identify as trans, or seriously consider doing so?

submitted by reluctant_commenter from (self.LGBDropTheT)

I am not really what you'd call a desister, but I was seriously considering the possibility that I might be "nonbinary" trans or "a guy in my soul" (I know, sounds dumb even saying it) before J.K. Rowling dropped her fantastic essay and r/truelesbians got banned.

Part of what troubled me so much was that all-too-common saying of trans rights activists and r/egg_irl people: "If you are asking yourself if you're trans, then you're trans. A cis person never questions whether they are trans." I reasoned: "I was in denial for so long about my attraction to women; maybe I am in denial that I am actually a guy?" I assumed, at a surface level, that the same logic about the gay rights movement applied to the trans rights movement.. as a lovely article posted here describes (I'll link it, too lazy right now).

Has anyone here:

  • detransitioned?

  • desisted?

  • felt pressured to identify as trans / seriously considered it?

Thanks in advance. I feel like a dumbass for almost falling for this shit, even though I know there's a lot of pressure (stick) and incentive (carrot) to identify as trans.

all 31 comments
sorted by:
top
newinsightfulfun

[–]Q-Continuum-kin 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Never thought about it but I grew up in the 80s. Pop culture was in your face gender bending everywhere. Women were wearing tight and short hair and giant masculine shoulder pads. They were putting on suits and ties and going into corporate jobs. Men were wearing long fluffy feathered hair spandex tights and belly shirts.

Thing is that there was never a question of denying the reality of people's sex. They were defying the cultural aspects of gender and seen as sexually appealing members of their own sex while doing so.

At the same time there was a culturally conservative backlash happening on TV and movies. It's interesting to compare the artistic side of pop culture to the corporate product side. Musical artists were defying racial and gender norms like a trend continuing from the 70s while you had studios putting out very straight edge and tokenistic media which really took over the zeitgeist going forward. Top Gun is the good example. It does this while at the same time promoting the military.

They were trying to re cement gender norms through the 90s. The rebound back towards defiance never happened. Instead they locked in stereotypes even more and decided that they could defy biology.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

At the same time there was a culturally conservative backlash happening on TV and movies. It's interesting to compare the artistic side of pop culture to the corporate product side.

That is really interesting... I'll have to keep that in mind when watching movies from that era. I've never heard of that before. Thanks for sharing!

[–]Q-Continuum-kin 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

There's a book called "Back to our future." By David Sirota which I stumbled upon because he happened to be talking about doing an update because of Trump.

Here's a quote from Amazon:

In 1975, a Democratic Party emboldened by civil rights, environmental, antiwar, and post-Watergate electoral successes was on the verge of seizing the presidency and a filibuster-proof congressional majority. That year, The Rocky Horror Picture Show and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest were two of the three top-grossing films-the former a parody using the late-sixties sexual revolution to laugh at the puritanical fifties, the latter based on the novel by beat writer Ken Kesey. Meanwhile, three of the top-rated seven television shows were liberal-themed programs produced by progressive icon Norman Lear, including All in the Family-a show built around a hippie, Mike Stivic, poking fun at the ignorance of his traditionalist father-in-law, Archie Bunker.

A mere ten years later, Republican Ronald Reagan had just been reelected by one of the largest electoral landslides in American history, and his party had also gained control of the U.S. Senate. Two of the top three grossing films were Back to the Future, which eulogized the fifties, and Rambo: First Blood Part II, which blamed sixties antiwar activism for losing the Vietnam conflict. Most telling, All in the Family's formula of using sixties-motivated youth and progressivism to ridicule fifties-rooted parents and their traditionalism had been replaced atop the television charts by its antithesis: a Family Ties whose fifties-inspired youth ridicules his parents' sixties spirit.

[–]ExecuteHomophobes 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Norman Lear also produced All that Glitters, a short-lived late-night soap opera whose cast included Linda Gray (pre-Dallas) as a transsexual. His progressive credentials are a sham. He's just another neoliberal corporatist enabler of gay erasure.

[–]NutterButterFlutterStill waving into the void 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

OP, you might wanna check out s/detrans ... some of the original founding mods from the Reddit sub manage it here.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks. I don't know if I should post there because I didn't even transition, I was just considering the possibility in my head. But maybe I will take a look.

[–]WinstonSmithTired of being nice 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

felt pressured to identify as trans

That describes me to a T (No pun intended :D). Back when I was a dumb teenager on Tumblr, I identified as "nonbinary demigirl asexual" because I felt that if I said I am a heterosexual woman, everyone would hate me and attack me for being an ~evil cishet oppressor~ or whatever. That's why I keep saying it's social contagion - when you're young and impressionable and everyone around you is transing themselves and telling you that you're a bad person for being straight and not denying your biological sex, it's natural that you feel out of place and want to fit in. Also why I keep saying that this is the new cutting and anorexia, only ten times more dangerous and harmful...

The "if you're questioning, that means you are" rhetoric can be extremely harmful in this case. Being bi-curious in college isn't harmful to you in the long run, taking wrong-sex hormones and getting a double mastectomy is.

I assumed, at a surface level, that the same logic about the gay rights movement applied to the trans rights movement..

That's the problem, average people support the TQ+ without questioning it only because they already support the LGB. What they don't know is that trans demands directly contradict LGB rights, and that trans ideology is homophobic at its core...

[–]Eurowoman24 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

GLAD I starved and puked instead of lobbed my tits off because of my friends influence nowadays

[–]WinstonSmithTired of being nice 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Same, recovered from anorexia a few years ago, my body's finally doing OK. My trans-identified female acquaintance, on the other hand... :(

I keep recommending "Irreversible Damage" to all parents I know, hopefully they'll listen. We spread awareness about pro-ana blogs back in the day, but now people who warn about ROGD and the transing of children are silenced, wonder why :/

[–]Eurowoman24 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

oh shit, regrets the transition does she? Yes it's curious isn't it? I mean the only thing that comes to mind is money and the people wanting to profit from this..

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

because I felt that if I said I am a heterosexual woman, everyone would hate me and attack me for being an ~evil cishet oppressor~ or whatever.

THIS is why it is so messed up that TRAs are sitting there and claiming being straight or "cis" is evil!!!

I look down upon anyone who uses any metric, categorization or demographic feature to say, "Some humans are worth less than others." We will NOT make progress by shaming people for existing as they are.

I am so sorry you felt pressured into participating in this madness as well. Thanks for sharing your story. I look forward to the day when no one cares what sexuality we are, with no conservative homophobia or liberal homophobia and no shaming of people for something they can't change.

edit: Also, exactly this. I think you put this really well:

That's the problem, average people support the TQ+ without questioning it only because they already support the LGB. What they don't know is that trans demands directly contradict LGB rights, and that trans ideology is homophobic at its core...

[–]xanditAGAB (Assigned Gay at Birth) 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

"A cis person never questions whether they are trans."

straight people do question if they are gay sometimes, so this logic isn't from gay rights movement. though they steal methods from us all the time lol

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, I just think it's a ridiculous idea to begin with. A person of any demographic can consider an idea seriously... I think it is their way of recruiting, of a sort, more people to gender ideology.

[–]dramasexual 10 insightful - 5 fun10 insightful - 4 fun11 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

I identified as nonbinary for like five seconds before peaking.

[–]Lesbianese⚢ 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I desisted. I was very convinced I was going to live my life as a man, for years. Lots went into it, my father wrecking my relationship with my mother, me idolizing my father, being jealous of my older brother, feeling too feminine and sensitive, being statutorily raped by a young adult teen female several times and not knowing it + me keeping my mouth shut even though she was hurting my body because she threatened suicide a lot...

Childhood was rough, mistook that for "gender dysphoria".

[–]Jinera 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I wish there was a hug emoji

[–]Lesbianese⚢ 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Aw, don't worry about me. I'm doing just fine now :)

[–]GoValidateYourselfuseful lesbian 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I'm not sure if this counts as desisting, but I identified as agender for about 2 years before peaking and admitting to myself it was all bullshit. I joined the Queer Student Union (ugh) at my college, trying to find support and meet other gay people. Instead I learned about transgenderism and all the minutiae of gender identity theory, b/c Every. Single. Meeting. was about that. They never talked about homosexuality, not once, ever. I felt awkward bringing up my own orientation and feelings about it, and felt like the people in the QSU couldn't relate. It was an alienating experience, and I felt like the weird one out.

I was told everyone has a "feeling" or "essence" of man or woman, that meant they were truly that gender. I had never thought hard about my own gender identity before that, but suddenly I was surrounded by people telling me most people had a deep feeling/connection with their manhood/womanhood, and that this was called being "cisgender" or "transgender". I had never felt like I had a "women soul" or "essence" or whatever, but the people I talked to seemed so sure and confident in what they were saying, that I believed them. I believed my "lack" of gender feelings meant I wasn't a real woman, so I started calling myself agender and using they/them pronouns.

I was also closeted and deeply ashamed of liking women, and got absolutely zero support for this from the supposed Queer Student Union. I was self-harming during those 2 years, and nobody in the QSU ever asked me what I was feeling or if I was okay, despite seeing the signs. I think the agender identity shielded me from my self-loathing to a certain extent, but it was just a bandaid. Some part of me also knew the whole gender identity thing was bullshit, because the transwomen in the group talked over the women and transmen, interrupted and talked down to us, just like so many jackass men I'd known before. But somehow I didn't feel I had the "right" to be a woman, as I didn't "feel" my gender the way they described. I dismissed the cognitive dissonance as just a product of my fucked up brain.

During this time my mental health problems were worsening, self-harm was worsening and I wasn't sleeping for days. I ended up seeking help after realizing how scared I was of death, and that I couldn't go through with the suicide I'd been planning for weeks. I got therapy, and eventually medication that worked for me, I started being more honest with myself about the root of my shame and self-hatred. Over time I started to realize I could just BE, and I didn't have to feel anything about my gender or identity in order to just exist in my body. The therapy I got also greatly helped me to find some peace living in my own skin, and helped me stop caring so much about comparing myself to other people.

The first time I went back to the QSU after that, it's like a fog had cleared from my eyes, and the people I'd looked up to and believed before just seemed so pretentious and fake. My priorities and perspective had changed, so I left the QSU and never went back. I eventually dropped the agender they/them label. Sorry if this was long and rambling, but I've never written any of this down in one place before.

[–]dandeliondynasty 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing friend! My own story is somewhat related - briefly identified as a trans man then desisted once properly medicated for my mental illness. Was also really let down on arriving at uni to realize the LGBT student group was more interested in proselytizing queer/trans ideology in every corner of campus than supporting young LGB students.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

But somehow I didn't feel I had the "right" to be a woman, as I didn't "feel" my gender the way they described.

Ugh, that's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you felt that way, and that you got no support from that Queer Student Union. No that's totally fine, I'm so glad you took the time to write it!! I feel so much better hearing other people's stories and knowing I'm not the only one who was so heavily impacted by this. I'm really glad you were able to find peace through therapy.

[–]GoValidateYourselfuseful lesbian 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you for your reply. Finding this group and hearing other peoples' stories has been a big relief to me too, and it's good to hear my story helped you guys relate and feel less alone. It felt good to write it out too.

[–]artetolife 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I wished I was born a girl when I was very young, like until age 10 or so. Luckily that was the 90s and this stuff wasn't a thing back then so I never told anyone lol.

[–]Wos290 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Spending a lot of time in online lgbt spaces eventually made me start hrt and I got to a point where I was considering social transition. For me it was the fact that I always hated male gender roles, also lots of insecurity because there is a lot of fetishisation of youth between gays and I believed that once I would reach early 20s noone would like me / be attracted to me anymore unless I started hormones.

I realised that gender roles are bullshit and that your birth sex doesnt have to say/decide anything about you. So I obviously never socially transitioned because the concept seems stupid to me, I was born male therefore am.

I'm still taking hormones and been for the last 4 years though so idk.

[–]INeedSomeTimeAsexual Ally 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I feel like my relation to sex as for being a woman or man is different due to me being asexual. I believe a similar thing also happens among homosexual and bisexual people. I had a very tempting feeling to start identifying as agender especially when I was told I sounded like one. But fuck, just because I perceive my own relation to sex in a bit different way it doesn't mean I'm a whole new gender.... I'm just myself who happened to be born female and that's it.

[–]Eurowoman24 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

ok I'm sorry but isn't nonbinary trans a direct contradiction?

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

You don't have to apologize :) it is a direct contradiction. I wondered how it all "worked", it made no sense to me but I assumed that I must just be "uninformed" because that's what all the super woke people at my college claimed. So I decided to learn more-- and eventually I realize that gender ideology is like a religion with circular reasoning. That's how I ended up joining this group.

You have to understand that I was surrounded by people who were indoctrinated into gender ideology, and unfortunately many in my generation are. Further, I had already escaped an abusive family and was desperate for peer support-- I didn't want to believe that half my friends were deep into a cultish ideology.

[–]Eurowoman24 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

you're here now, where logic and sanity rules! :) I understand i know people like this

[–]fuckupaddamsBisexual Terve 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

They're saying now that if you're not cis you fall under being trans. My ex is identifying as a "nonbinary woman" now, he's male.

[–]Eurowoman24 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

yeah I still don't get it. nonbinary = neither binary category = man/woman vs woman = one of the the binary categories = make it make sense XD