Most Alarming People 2020
(The Daily Beast and the New Yorker used to run lists like this as a year-end feature. This is my humble attempt to keep the tradition alive. A year of so ago someone said it reads like the rantings of Abe Simpson. I think he may be right.)
STEVE ADLER, Democratic Mayor of Austin Aggravating Factors: Recorded a message asking the people of his city to stay at home due to the virus. He recorded it from a resort in Mexico. He was there for a wedding. The wedding featured a big crowd. It was held indoors. Extenuating Factors: He “never violated any orders or guidelines.” Sentence: His state’s upcoming blue wave passes him by.
PAUL ELIAS ALEXANDER, Former assistant secretary for public affairs of the Department of Health and Human Services, just another talk show person advising the Trump administration. Aggravating Factors: He called for colleges and schools to remain open in order to rapidly spread the infection and establish herd immunity. His policy would have caused many thousands more deaths. "Infants, kids, teens, young people, young adults, middle aged with no conditions etc. have zero to little risk….so we use them to develop herd…we want them infected…" Controlled the statements of public health officials because, "None of those people have my skills. I make the judgment whether this is crap." Extenuating Factors: He is a doctor, a PhD, not an MD, but still, he is a doctor. Supposedly there are no photographs of him. Sentence: Loss of senses of taste and smell.
SCOTT ATLAS, MD He was the head of White House policy for the Covid-19 epidemic. Before that, he was some sort of radiologist, but he has been retired for ten years. Aggravating Factors: Is advocating herd immunity as a response. The more infected the better. Extenuating Factors: Seems to be more of a crank than a quack. Sentence: “The only way this stops is if people rise up.”
STEVE BANNON, He has made his fortune fleecing the trailer park set. Both a financial and a fashion criminal. Aggravating Factors: When he was arrested, he was riding out the pandemic on the superyacht of an exiled Chinese billionaire. (Cf. Jerry Falwell, Jr.) Extenuating Factors: Did seven years in the Navy. Sentence: His zone gets flooded with shit.
TODD BELL, Pastor at the Calvary Baptist Church, Millinocket, Maine. Aggravating Factors: He officiated at a wedding in rural Maine. Someone was sick and sparked the biggest outbreak in the state. Not his fault. After he found out he enjoyed his newfound fame with face-to-face church services. Pointed out he would not take a covid-19 vaccine because that would be supporting abortion. Explained to his congregants that masks do not work. Extenuating Factors: Seriously, he does not seem evil or stupid. He is probably just trying to make a living. Sentence: Seeing his family for the last time on a telephone screen.
JEFF BEZOS, Amazon founder. Aggravating Factors: His fortune is based on the exploitation of low-wage, non-union workers, sort of like an old-fashioned coal baron. He is now opening preschools to further his grip on the world. Extenuating Factors: Honestly, we are sort of lost for words for this section. Sentence: May he live long enough to see the new world he has built.
JOE BIDEN, Former vice president, former senator, president-elect. Aggravating Factors: Seems to have gotten the nomination based on seniority. In 1992, proposed the “Biden Rule” preventing a vote on a Supreme Court nominee in an election year. In 2016, he opposed such a rule. In 2020, he supported it again. He was born in 1942 making him the American president to have avoided service in Vietnam. Extenuating Factors: Has never lost a real election. Inductee to the Little League Hall of Excellence. He likes Corvettes and ice cream and is the best golfer among all American politicians. Sentence: Trying to clean up this mess, failing.
MELISSA CARONE, that woman who testified in Michigan. She lists her career as “Arts & crafts professional.” Aggravating Factors: She seems to actually talk like that. She uses “So anyways,” as an interjection. Too crazy for even Rudy Giuliani. Extenuating Factors: It is possible the lady is unhinged. If this is the case then we regret mentioning her here. Sentence: If there was any justice in the world “Melissa: would replace “Karen.”
DOUG COLLINS, congressman from Georgia. He is running for the US Senate. Aggravating Factors: “I left parts of my body behind fighting terrorists in Iraq.” He is a chaplain. In the reserves. The Air Force reserves. Opposes marijuana reform, the freedom to marry, the Violence Against Women Act and people in voting in general. Extenuating Factors: Have you heard him talk? He ought to be in the dictionary under logorrhea. Great fun. Breathe man, breathe. Sentence: Wins his election to the Senate. Listens to the whole nation laugh at him for six years.
TED CRUZ, US Senator from Texas. Aggravating Factors: A ballless wonder. The President said his wife is ugly. The President called him a pussy. The President said his dad helped kill JFK. Senator Cruz supports the President 94.7% of the time. “The simple and undeniable fact is the overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats.” “The reason Democrats are soft on crime, is that convicted felons tend to vote Democratic.” Extenuating Factors: We like the beard. Sentence: Texas’ demographics.
LOUIS DEJOY, 75th Postmaster General of the United States Joining the Trump administration in June 2020 is like swimming out to join the Titanic. Aggravating Factors: He took the helm of the most-respected government agency and proceeded to attack it. He seems to have become rich off of post office contracts. Extenuating Factors: Not a one. Sentence: May he get everything he deserves.
JERRY FALWELL, JR., Not the shadow of his father. He told the students at his mega-university it was safe to come back to campus. He did this while he was riding out the virus on a yacht someplace warm. (cf. Steve Bannon) Aggravating Factors: Now I have an image of him in his underwear I will never be free of. Extenuating Factors: He is a very sharing sort of person. He shares his wife. Sentence: Having to explain himself at the Pearly Gates.
MICHAEL FLYNN, Russian spy. Aggravating Factors: Has taken a Q-Anon oath for some reason. Called for “limited martial law. Suspending the Constitution….” Extenuating Factors: His brother is also an Army general, but one who did not sell himself. Sentence: Suddenly realizing that there was no pardon for his son.
RUDY GIULIANI, Formerly “America’s Mayor.” Aggravating Factors: Came within a hair’s breadth of being secretary of state. Nobody’s fall has been further or more complete. A money-grubber reduced to asking for $20,000 a day for melting on television. Extenuating Factors: He seems to be embarrassing himself not because he is evil but because he wants a pardon. Sentence: Pity. Of all Fausts entrapped by our modern Mephistopheles, none is the more pitiful than Giuliani.
LINDSEY GRAHAM, Republican senator from South Carolina. Confirmed bachelor. Aggravating Factors: Double-crossed everyone in his life. He turned his back on his best friend, John McCain, when the President attacked him. He has called around asking his fellow Republicans to find a way to toss ballots. Was unable to accept the election results after the Electoral College met. Extenuating Factors: It is possible he is not evil as much as a coward. Sentence: Subject of a blockbuster rock opera detailing his fall.
WILLIAM FRANKLIN GRAHAM III, The leading Evangelical supporter of President Trump. Aggravating Factors: Nothing wrong with being named after a famous dad. There is a lot wrong with making your living because of a famous father. He feels certain Rick Santorum is a Christian. He is not so sure about Barak Obama. Supports President-for-life Putin because of his anti-gay laws. Is also a bigot against Muslims. And Hindus. Makes over $600,000 a year managing a charity. Extenuating Factors: The easiest explanation may be that he is being blackmailed. Sentence: Purgatory.
TIMOTHY GRENDELL, A bully Covid denier and a local judge in Ohio. Why, yes he is a Republican. Aggravating Factors: He has banned parents from testing their children for the virus for … reasons. He has enforced his orders with the threat of contempt citations. The leader of his party’s county organization described him as both "a chameleon who takes revenge on people who disagree with him" and "a narcissist and mentally ill." Extenuating Factors: Honestly, we have looked. We cannot find anything. Sentence: A contested election for a change.
STEVEN HOTZE, Talk radio person, mask denier, vote denier, mainstream Texas Republican. Aggravating Factors: Seems more concerned with anal sex than most of us, “They want to intimidate individuals, churches, schools and families to celebrate those that participate in anal sex. That's what they love and enjoy: anal sex. And that's bad, that's evil. It's a terrible thing to try to do and they want to try to teach it to kids in schools, […] Kids will be encouraged to practice sodomy in kindergarten." Speaking of demonstrations against police brutality, Dr Hotze thought the National Guard should keep the peace with "the order to shoot to kill if any of these son-of-a-bitch people start rioting like they have in Dallas, start tearing down businesses — shoot to kill the son of a bitches. That’s the only way you restore order. Kill 'em. Thank you." Extenuating Factors: He is a medical doctor. Sentence: A family intervention that comes too late.
RONNY JACKSON, Former personal physician to President Trump, now a new congressman from Texas. You might remember him as the guy who said President Trump might live for 200 years. Aggravating Factors: Passed over for two stars two times. Passed over for Veteran Affairs secretary. He was just what the people of Texas were looking for. “Every Deep State traitor deserves to be brought to justice for their heinous actions." "I think that wearing a mask is a personal choice, and I don't particularly want my government telling me that I have to wear a mask.” “I will vote on January 6th to CHALLENGE the Electoral College because the American people deserve a FREE and FAIR election! The FRAUD that DID take place on Election Day can’t be allowed to stand!” Extenuating Factors: He may have a problem with drinking if press reports are to be believed. Sentence: We are betting on a sexual harassment scandal. He seems the type.
ALEX JONES, is not on the list because he is unwell.
WAYNE LaPIERRE, Head of the National Rifle Association. Aggravating Factors: Has just about killed the horse he rode in on. He has abused his members, using their money for fancy vacations and sharp suits. He has lost many gun owners’ support by being insufficiently radical. His comments have also mostly cut off whatever support he once had among law enforcement. Extenuating Factors: As a practical matter, nobody has done more to make gun owners appear ridiculous Sentence: To never again be on this list as he drifts into irrelevance.
HENRY LEE, DNA evidence witness-for-hire. Star of a number of those Chilling True Crime Shows. Aggravating Factors: DNA evidence has proven certain proof when handled correctly. People like Lee have cast doubt on the process. Helped get OJ off. Tried to get Phil Spector off. Extenuating Factors: It would be wrong to say he has worked only to let the guilty walk. Press reports indicate he also made up stuff to lock up the innocent. Sentence: Framed for murder.
KATHRYN KIMBALL MIZELLE, Judge of the US District Court for the Middle District of Florida. Aggravating Factors: Appointed by the President and approved by the Senate after the election. Just eight years out of law school, thirty-three years old and rated as “unqualified” by the Bar Association. She has never tried a case nor served as a lead in a case. She is likely to be on the bench until 2055. Extenuating Factors: The ABA said Mizelle "has a very keen intellect, a strong work ethic and an impressive resume ... her integrity and demeanor are not in question." Sentence: Everyone thinks she got the job because of her husband.
ELON MUSK, It is very difficult to follow all his current projects. We get the impression it has something to do with electrically-powered pigs traveling through tunnels at high speeds to Mars by 2024. Or something, it is hard to keep straight. Aggravating Factors: Due to the pandemic, he cut workers’ pay by 10% from April to July. During this period, the share price rose. Musk’s net worth rose from $25B to $100B. Extenuating Factors: He may be the one that finally sparks the Revolution. Sentence: VIP seating in an electrically-powered ox-cart on the way to the guillotine.
MONICA PALMER,of the Wayne County (Michigan) Board of Canvassers. She serves with fellow Republican WILLIAM HARTMANN and two Democrats. Aggravating Factors: She moved to not count votes in Black Detroit, but to count votes in White suburbs. She is not concerned about legal votes. She is concerned about Black votes. Even the Republican National Committee denounced her. Extenuating Factors: Some reports claim she was pressured by a call from the President and she is just a girl. Sentence: Never being repaid for her loyalty.
DAN PATRICK, lieutenant governor of Texas. Aggravating Factors: Offered a million dollars for proof of election fraud. Refuses to pay. Does not like Fauci “He has been wrong every time on every issue.” Does not like city slickers, “Where do we have all our problems in America? Not in the states run by Republicans but in our cities that are mostly controlled by Democrat (sic) mayors and city councilmen and women.” “That’s where you see high taxes, that’s where you see street crime.” Extenuating Factors: Under his leadership Texas has turned the corner and now has enough refrigerated trucks for all the dead. Sentence: A positive test.
KEN PAXTON, Attorney General of Texas. Aggravating Factors: “I do not mind a parasite. I object to a cut-rate one.” Paxton is as crooked as a dog’s leg, but for penny-ante stakes. He steals pens from the courthouse. He corrupted his office for less than $100,000. Under investigation for shady dealing with a local real estate magnate, he has engaged in a shameless campaign for a presidential pardon. His effort centered on a silly law suit described as “seditious” by fellow Republicans. On every possible issue, he is on the wrong side of history with his base appeals to the “common clay of the American west.” Extenuating Factors: He is a self-made man. That is not too common nowadays. Sentence: Conviction on state charges.
ROBERT R REDFIELD, the remarkably ineffective director of the Center of Disease Control Aggravating Factors: You know how Anthony Fauci ticked off the President every single day? This is the other guy. It is noteworthy how little we have heard of this world-class agency during a world-wide emergency. Has a history of making up data to support his pet projects. His agency managed to bungle development of a Covid test. He resists Congressional oversight. He has the background to understand what havoc a pandemic would cause. He caused no trouble for a President that mishandled the emergency. He protected his cushy job. Extenuating Factors: Both a medical doctor and a retired US Army colonel. Sentence: The subject of a case study in textbooks on medical ethics.
RICHARD, JONATHAN, MORTIMER , KATHE, DAVIF, BEVERLY and THERESA SACKLER, You have to be impressed with a family whose money is too dirty for the British Museum. Aggravating Factors: They got away with it. Extenuating Factors: Cultural institutions that took their filthy money have rescinded the naming rights, making them available to the next crime family to come along. Sentence: Simple and impartial enforcement of the law without fear or favor.
JOE SCARBOROUGH, Former Congressman from Florida. Television host, which is modern era is a promotion. Also, a former Congressman from Florida. Aggravating Factors: On the morning of Election Day the Morning Zoo predicted a blue wave. One possibility was an early knockout blow in Arizona. “Keep your eye on Texas.” The next morning, not a peep of self-examination. Extenuating Factors: He was a congressman from Florida, we wanted to mention that. “That’s right Joe” is a highly intoxicating midmorning drinking game. Sentence: His wife does to him what mine does to me when I interrupt her.
PETE TOBIN, United States Marshal in Columbus, Ohio. Aggravating Factors: When a policeman shot a citizen in the back several times, his agency was called in to investigate. He told the press that there had been reports that the fellow had been brandishing a gun. He also claimed that witnesses heard the policeman repeatedly tell the man to drop the gun. Neither statement was true. He also explained that “My prediction is that it was a justified shooting.” Extenuating Factors: Maybe he did not realize the impact his statements would have in a region already rocked by a number of police shootings. Sentence: Never being believed in sworn testimony again.
DONALD J TRUMP, the Greatest Karen of Them All. He is not our Boris Johnson. He is our Boris Yeltsin. Aggravating Factors: The central thing is the waste of his opportunity. He could have done something to help the world. His own flaws prevented him from grasping the great power afforded to him. Hopelessly confused. He honestly feels that he has been treated unfairly. Extenuating Factors: Hasn’t started a war, and that’s important. Sentence: Dorma Desmond in an old mansion opening fan mail sent years ago.
IVANKA TRUMP, The smart and dangerous one. Laurette; Fashion Award for Excellence in Accessory Design (2016) Aggravating Factors: Cuts deals with the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps. Making sure her children learn Chinese. Extenuating Factors: “Just a girl,” she is on this list not so much because she herself is alarming, but because of the alarming men in her life. Sentence: Jail.
MELANIA KNVAS TRUMP, First Lady of the United States. Formerly considered a victim, increasingly seen as a conspirator. Aggravating Factors: Abused the visa system to come to the United States. Used chain migration to bring in the rest of her family. Her legal filings indicate she views her positions as a means to enrichment. You may read “her positions” any way you like. Is concerned with her legacy. Extenuating Factors: Taught her son to speak Slovene. No longer works nude. Sentence: Ages gracefully as her plastic surgery does not.
TOMMY TUBERVILLE, “Call me ‘Coach.’” United States senator from Alabama. Formerly a high-average football coach. Aggravating Factors: Made his living exploiting unpaid football players recruited by his predecessors. When one of his players raped a child, Coach slapped him with a one-game suspension. Does not believe in climate change, abortion rights, or brain injuries caused by his sport. Does believe we fought communism in World War II and that “God sent us Donald Trump.” Extenuating Factors: He had a great run at Auburn. More than ten years ago. He kept Jeff Sessions out of public life. Sentence: Probably another financial scandal of some sort we suppose.
ALLEN WEST, Leader of the Republican Party in Texas. Aggravating Factors: Allowed to retire from the army to avoid court-martial when he seemed a little too excitable to be in a war. Served two terms as a congressman but he seemed too unstable for Florida. (Cf, Joe Scarborough) Called for Texas to secede from the Union. Supporter of the Confederate flag. Member of a paramilitary group. Naturally, he thinks reelection was stolen from President Trump. Extenuating Factors: In the fullness of time, not invited to his grandchildren’s weddings.
YOU, Aggravating Factors: You scoff at news stories of people having a large wedding but somehow you justified having people over for Thanksgiving. You have had an entire year away from most distractions with time to really think and pursue excellence. You still do not make your own bed. You believe everything you read in the papers and see on TV and somehow think that makes you smarter than other people. During a very dramatic moment in American history you were unwilling to put up a yard sign. Extenuating Factors: A product of your time and place, you drift on the torrent of history like a chip of wood. Sentence: You think this will all work out OK. It may not.
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