I wrote a standup bit about jews.

submitted by LarrySwinger2 from (self.funny)

Imagine this as the opening for a standup comedy show in Manhattan.

Hello, my name is Larry and I'm here to offend.

Let's see, how can I offend this audience?

Hm. I see a lot of Jewish people. I suppose that's not a nice thing to be offensive about. But I can't back out of it now.

Wanna know how I know so many of you are Jewish? From all the long hook- I mean, the fact that we're in Manhattan.

How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero. They get a goy to do it for them.

I feel like things are getting a little heated. I'll try to find a different subject, but I must warn you that I have trouble going off-script, so no promises. I'll do my best though. Let me think of something.

Let's talk about... logical fallacies.

(Turning toward an audience member.) Hey, you there. What's your favourite fallacy?

That's interesting. Mine's the Argumentum ad Hitlerium.

That's an actual fallacy. It's on Wikipedia. Which I trust, because it wasn't created by a Jew. Although it may have been infiltrated by the- by individuals who just happen to be Jewish by ethnicity, but whose allegiance totally lies with the country they're residing in!

Question: which people has turned their back on their own God since time immemorial, continuing up to the present day?

Answer: THE JEWS!

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[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

10/10, the crowd erupts in sneers

[–]knob 2 insightful - 6 fun2 insightful - 5 fun3 insightful - 6 fun -  (0 children)

A rabbi, a priest and a Baptist minister are talking about who is the best at what they do. Is it the priest, the minister or the rabbi? So, they decide to separately go into the woods and convert a bear. Whoever is the best at converting a bear is the best at what they do.

So, a week later they meet and they ask the priest: “How did it go?” and he says: “It was fantastic! I read to him from the Bible, and Sunday morning he was in the front row of the church.”

Then they say to the minister: “How did it go for you?” The minister says, “Fantastic! I found the bear in the woods, I gave him one of my sermons, I took him down to the lake and baptized him and Sunday morning he was in the front row of my church!”

Then they look at the rabbi and he’s in a body cast from head to toe. So they say, “What happened to you?” He goes, “Well, I shouldn’t have started with circumcision.”

[–]knob 3 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Moshe was a religious Jew who sported a hat, beard, and suit. He prayed in the synagogue every day, kept Shabbat, ate only kosher food, and gave abundantly to charity.

When Moshe turned 80, he thought, “I’ve been good all my life – let me try to have some fun.”

He went to a barber and shaved off his beard. He took off his hat, and bought some jeans and a tee shirt. He bought a brand new convertible too, drove to Las Vegas, and was cruising the strip, when – bam! A truck hit Moshe’s new convertible.

As Moshe lay in the wreckage, he called out “God! I’ve been a good Jew my whole life! I know I slipped a little the past few weeks, but did you really have to do this to me?”

“Moshe?” a Heavenly voice called out, full of concern. “Moshe – is that you? I didn’t recognize you!”

[–]knob 2 insightful - 5 fun2 insightful - 4 fun3 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

…Maish and Benny, who walk by a church whose sign says that anyone who converts will be given $1,000. Maish goes in to check it out. When he returns, Benny says, “Did you get the $1,000?” And Maish says, “Don’t you people ever think of anything but money?”

[–]knob 2 insightful - 5 fun2 insightful - 4 fun3 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

1 What did the waiter say to the group of Jewish women sitting in a restaurant? “Hello, is anything okay?”

2 A Jewish woman in a hospital says to the doctor that she wants to be transferred. The doctor says, “What is it, the food?” She says, “The food is fine. I can’t kvetch.” “Is it the room?” he says. “No,” she says, “the room is beautiful. I can’t kvetch.” “What about the staff? Is there a problem with the staff?” She says, “No. They’re beautiful people. I can’t kvetch.” “So why do you want to be transferred?” he asks. “I can’t kvetch,” she says.

[–]Canbot 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You sound like a moron who thinks "antisemitic" jokes are intended to offend and not be funny. Are you by chance jewish?

[–]knob 2 insightful - 4 fun2 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks, “Why won’t you answer me when I ask you for the time?”

The older man sighs and explains: “Look, if I tell you the time, we’ll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we’ll get to know each other, and maybe I’ll eventually invite you to my house for Shabbat dinner. Maybe then you and my daughter would really get along – why, you might even get engaged! And why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”

[–]knob 2 insightful - 4 fun2 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Two men, a Jew and a Gentile, were marooned on a desert island. The Gentile immediately got to work, dragging rocks to spell out “SOS” in huge letters on the beach, gathering driftwood to build a bonfire, and thinking about ways to build a boat.

The Jew, however, merely sat on the beach and waited.

“What’s the matter with you?” the Gentile exclaimed. “Don’t you want to be rescued?”

The Jew said calmly, “Look, I live in a city with a big Jewish Federation. Last year, I donated a million dollars to them. The year before, I donated a million dollars to them. This year, wherever I am, they’ll find me!”

[–]knob 2 insightful - 4 fun2 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

All his life, Shloime hoped to win the lottery. Each week, he’d pray to God intently, pleading that this be the week he’d finally win.

For years he prayed for the lottery – but he never won.

Finally one day, in the middle of Shloime’s fervent prayers, a heavenly voice was heard in the synagogue: “Shloime, buy a ticket already!”

[–]knob 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

What did the Jewish mother say to her porn actress daughter after a gang bang?

“You were the best one.”

(Sarah Silverman)

[–]knob 2 insightful - 4 fun2 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 4 fun -  (1 child)

A Jewish girl becomes president and says to her mother, “You’ve got to come to the inauguration, Mom.” The mother says, “All right, I’ll go, I’ll go. What am I going to wear? It’s so cold. Why did you have to become president? What kind of job is that? You’ll have nothing but tsuris.” But she goes to the inauguration, and as her daughter is being sworn in by the chief justice, the mother turns to the senator next to her and says, “You see that girl up there? Her brother’s a doctor.”

[–]handbananasrevenge 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I was going to post this joke, but not only did you beat me to it, your version is a bit better and more concise than the version I learned.

[–][deleted]  (4 children)

[deleted]

    [–]LarrySwinger2[S] 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

    I wasn't planning on actually doing a bit like this, but I feel like this works as a post on Saidit.

    [–]scryforhelp 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

    Well at least you tried

    [–]knob 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    I told him to do it. It's my fault.

    Next: Muslim jokes.

    RIP

    [–]aaarrgh 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    I wouldn't do that. Those who did, are no longer among us.

    [–]knob 2 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

    A woman called the switchboard of a hospital and asked how Mrs. Schwartz in room 102 was doing. The switchboard operator put her on hold for a minute, then came back and reported: “Mrs. Schwartz in room 102 is doing very well! Why, just this morning her lab work came back and everything is normal. Her doctor is pleased and says she will be able to go home next week.”

    “Hurray!” shouted the caller.

    “You must be a relative to be so happy,” observed the switchboard operator.

    “No,” explained the caller, “I’m Mrs. Schwartz in room 102. Nobody tells me anything!”

    [–]raven9 2 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

    A Jew, a despicable liar and a child sex trafficker walks into a bar. Bar tender says, "Well I guess it's just you and me tonight sir, what can I get you"?

    [–]knob 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    Two hundred years ago in Poland, a town’s Jews were in a panic: a Christian girl had been found murdered, and the Jews were worried they’d be blamed for the crime.

    The town’s rabbi called a special meeting to discuss the situation. Just as everyone was sitting down, a Jewish townsman ran into the hall. “I have wonderful news!” he told the gathering. “The murdered girl was Jewish!”

    [–]knob 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

    When you tell a peasant a joke, he laughs three times: once when you tell it, once when you explain it, and once when he understands it. When you tell a Polish nobleman a joke, he laughs twice: once when you tell it, and once when you explain it; but he never actually understands it. When you tell a Russian officer a joke, he only laughs once. He’ll never understand it, and if you try to explain it to him, he might put you in jail. When you tell a Jew a joke, he interrupts you to say that he’s already heard it, and, by the way, you’re telling it wrong.

    [–]LarrySwinger2[S] 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

    Socks, stop spamming my inbox.

    [–]knob 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    When submitting a new link, scroll down to 'options', and deslect the box next to "send replies to my inbox".

    [–]LarrySwinger2[S] 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    Click "block user" below this comment.

    FTFY.

    [–]carn0ld03 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    How exactly did the children of Satan turn their backs on him?

    [–]UncleWillard56 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    That'll go over like a fart in the showers.

    [–]Alphix 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    That last bit, it needs a complete rework, something like...

    "question" "answer": because of what your people have done, since time immemorial up to the present day, that is, turning your back on your own god! <-- This sentence puts the hard-hitting part dead last where it belongs, giving it the punch to be a worthy punchline.

    [–]LarrySwinger2[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Well, the joke is that I promised to stop talking about the jews but then I do it anyway, that's why "the jews" is the punchline. I was going for something like this bit from Seinfeld.

    [–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Jews themselves are fascists and racists, which they -once more- proved by voting for their Netanjahu-spook, again. Their far-right-regime is disgusting.