Dating apps and chatting - what happened?

submitted by LesChameleon from (self.Lesbians)

Hi there :)

I've relied on dating apps ever since the epidemic started and managed to meet a few girls throughout the last year (only casual dating because none of them wanted anything serious). I was cool with it for some time, but now I am really looking for something serious, but the problem is - no one seems to know what they want or they're not being honest..?

I'm quite an outgoing person so it's easy to chat with anyone, but every time I think we're building a great connection there, something happens. One girl seemed to be genuinely interested in me and stated that she was looking for a relationship but then her replies just got slower and slower. With another one, I chatted for about a week and I asked her out on a date, which she accepted but then postponed it a couple of times (obviously I didn't push for it later on). The third one was super into me (her words) when we met but after two weeks suddenly said that she wasn't looking for anything serious although when we first spoke she was also "looking for a relationship".

Does anyone have any advice? I just don't get it why so many girls either don't know what they're looking for on apps or are just being dishonest. At this point, I am starting to doubt anything anyone says to me on dating apps :/ And, unfortunately, I don't see another way to meet a lesbian IRL in the near future.

Edit: I know that ghosting, not messaging first / not replying, and such has become "normal" on dating apps, and I don't refer to those situations. I am wondering about those instances when things actually look really good and there is a connection for a couple of weeks/months but then suddenly it all goes wrong.

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[–]lovelyspearmint 17 insightful - 2 fun17 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 2 fun -  (5 children)

I'd say be wary of anyone who:

-is between 18 and about 24 or so. They're still quite young, may have radical opinions and may not be sure about their sexuality just yet.

-says they've recently come out. They might not know what they want.

-people looking for friendship first, then maybe a relationship. If you find someone sexually attractive from the get go, it can make something that's just a friendship and nothing more heartbreaking.

-(kinda obvious but people who) use lesbian and any other term along with it (such as bisexual lesbian, asexual lesbian, demisexual lesbian). They're likely to be unsure of their sexuality and/or woke.

-has everything littered in rainbows/pride merch, or looks overly excited over these things in pictures. It's a performance more than anything, and one to be wary of as the person may be a straight person trying to be cool.

-use terms like 'gay af', 'baby gay', 'slay/yaas queen'. Anyone I've met who uses these is usually straight (queer) or bisexual, never heard an actual lesbian using these terms.

-has friends that are solely LGBTQ, no friends who actually identify as straight and not one of its many flavours.

-has coloured hair. Anyone who I've met on dates who has non-natural hair colour who claims to be a lesbian would immediately ignore me if I wanted a more serious relationship, which could mean that they weren't gay to begin with, just liked female attention and the attention being special brings.

[–]sunzzy 12 insightful - 4 fun12 insightful - 3 fun13 insightful - 4 fun -  (2 children)

honestly the coloured hair thing is so true, I've literally been irritated by every person with coloured hair that I've met! At least they make themselves visible so that you know who to avoid ;)

[–]Nonime 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

That's why its called "Danger Hair."

[–]LesChameleon[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Same, never made it past first date with them 😂 and a much boring one

[–]LesChameleon[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Jesus, you summed it up so good! I'm taking a screenshot for future reference ahhahahha

You're right 😂 two of these girls I mentioned were out only recently and never dated for real, one is still closeted and the fourth one is only 21. Damn 😂

The thing is, during the pandemic I am staying at my parents' place in a small town and the dating pool is terribly small. So, there's no way that I'll be able to find someone who isn't on this list but yeah, once I go back to the city I'll keep it in mind.

[–]whateverbeaver 2 insightful - 4 fun2 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Truth! Imma print out this list lmao.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Dating apps create a detached form of connection with others. So you may be 100% invested in the girl you’re talking to, but she may not be 100% invested in talking to you. She could be talking to other girls and one of those other girls ends up getting chosen. That’s how I look at it. I don’t use dating apps nor would I recommend them.

The commenter lovelyspearmint had some good pointers, but the one thing I’ll disagree with is being wary of someone who’s looking for friendship. I personally need that first and foremost at this stage in my life, but I’d be going in to that friendship with the intention of deepening it with the hope of it ending up lasting for the rest of our lives ie married until death do we part. So if a girl does say she’s looking for friendship ask her what she means by that and feel it out from there.

Ask the girl if shes talking to other girls. It might sound like an intrusive question or controlling, but it’s not. If you want something serious like you say then you need to do your due diligence to the best of your ability to find out if this girl you’re considering investing your time and energy in to is going to meet you half way to do her part too. It sounds cold, but a relationship is an investment and if the person you’re investing in is talking to you, Sally, Molly, and Mary well then that’s not a relationship that’s a competition. Like if you don’t want your love life looking like the digital version of lesbian bachelorette then ask those tough questions and get your answers.

I asked my ex when we first started talking what she would do if I got cancer and she said “idk”. Sounds extreme, but looking back I knew I didn’t like that answer. Throughout our relationship she was incapable of being emotionally comforting and sensitive towards me when I needed it the most. That cancer question and answer she gave could have shown me that was going to be how she’d be with any kind of emotionally sensitive event/trauma in my life. But I ignored it. So I guess from experience I’d say if you ask a question and get an answer listen to how that answer makes you feel and be honest with your self.

[–]whateverbeaver 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Very insightful. Along the lines of the friendship point, my god, I was so shocked when I used to use dating apps at the number of girls who wanted to have sex after like the first hour of conversation. And while some were definitely men or mtf probably, I know a good handful weren't. It shocked me how many women didn't want any kind of emotional "friendship" type bond first...they wanted to figure that out after we had taken our clothes off 😂 Yeah..not for me.

[–]LesChameleon[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

That's an interesting perspective! Thanks a lot for sharing it :)

Yeah, the worst thing is that everyone on dating apps is probably talking to multiple people at the same time. Normally, if we meet IRL (which is currently harder due to covid and travel restrictions) I ask about it, but now when we're only chatting and not actually dating, I find it somewhat inappropriate to "be checking her online activity" because in the end she doesn't owe me anything at this point. I could also chat with others if I wanted to at this point, but the thing is I am just too lazy to hold many conversations at the same time haha

[–]fckme 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Could it be a case of 'it's not me but you'? Harsh I know, but we have all have said/done something that didn't appeal. My principals and life goals are definitely a deterrent but I'll never settle for a partner again who doesn't share them

[–]LesChameleon[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It could be in some cases for sure, but I am confused because some of them really do put effort in chatting but then stall meeting IRL. So more than that, it seems like they just want someone to chat with when they're bored and not to actually meet a person, let alone be in a relationship. I wouldn't have any problem with someone telling me that they think we're not a good match, in fact, I'd prefer any clear explanation than this texting and overall wasting time haha