Among LGBT Americans, bisexuals stand out when it comes to identity, acceptance

submitted by PeakingPeachEater from (self.Bisexuals)

According to studies, only 20% of bisexuals say being bisexual is extremely or very important to their overall identity..

Also, the studies states:

Bisexuals are much more likely than gay men or lesbians to be married, and most have a spouse of the opposite sex. [...] Only 9% of bisexuals have same-sex partners; fully 84% are involved with someone of the opposite sex.

Have a couple of questions:

  1. Are you currently out about being bisexual? Why or why not?
  2. Do you think more people should start coming out as bisexual? Or does it matter?
  3. Why do you think many bisexuals are not out?
  4. According to studies, the majority of bisexuals end up in opposite-sex relationships---What are you thoughts on that?
  5. Do you feel the bisexual communities (whether that be from LGBT+, LGB Alliance, etc) is helping, hurting or doing nothing for bisexuals?

If I think of more questions, I will edit this post.

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[–]Greykittymomma 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

  1. Out to certain folks but not most
  2. I hope to someday it is important
  3. Stigma, religious upbringing?
  4. I am, for 15 years. This could be due to societal pressures or wanting to have children without expensive procedures (hopefully) lack of options (less gay or lesbian people to date in certain areas)
  5. I still feel pretty invisible. Many people ignore the B and think we are confused. According to some: we don't get to talk about stigma around being bi because we get to "pass" as straight if we "choose."

[–]PeakingPeachEater[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

For point #4, I feel you. I'm in an opposite sex relationship right now. myy family is hyper religious and traditional, so I tried for the kongest time to be "straight" and attempted to be gender conforming, but it was hard...

On point #5, what is something we can do as the B to make ourselves less invisible? I agree with you too that I feel we are invisible.

[–]ElectricSheep 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

  1. close friends and family know. I don't advertise it otherwise.
  2. I'm not sure that it matters, but it wouldn't hurt.
  3. In my case, I don't want to be associated with "the community" at large. But as Grey said, religion and stigma are always high on that list.
  4. It's math. The majority of people are heterosexual. And in my case, I'd much rather be with a masculine man or a feminine woman, and especially in certain areas there are a lot of "queens" and flamboyant gays that I don't even consider.
  5. I think in the past it was beneficial, but it has become a hindrance. In particular I think the TQ+ has made it worse.

With all of that said, I do think I'd prefer my next relationship to be with another man. My long-term relationships have all been women, as the math dictates.

[–]PeakingPeachEater[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

In my case, I don't want to be associated with "the community" at large.

Did you mean the LGBTQ+ community or all communities that include the B such as LGB Alliance, LGBDroptheT, Bisexual & "Queer" Communities, etc.

I feel you on the relationship thing(though reversed), I've been fetishized by men being called "exotic" and them treating me differently and trying to always be dominate when I already have a fairly dominate personality, I don't like being controlled. Before I got with my current partner, I vowed to just stick with women ONLY just due to being tired of the bullshit I have to go through with men...But I ended up with a guy...But if we ever split, I'd probably go back to women or just stay single(doesn't bother me).

Also, I like masculine men and feminine women too---I don't know if that makes me hypocritical as a gender nonconforming woman or not...

[–]ElectricSheep 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Did you mean the LGBTQ+ community or all communities that include the B such as LGB Alliance, LGBDroptheT, Bisexual & "Queer" Communities, etc.

Mostly the "LGBTQ+" or as Dave Chapelle calls it "the alphabet people." LGB and the rest of the letters are not connected. But even within the LGB, there's a lot of nonsense. I like drop the T, r/rightwingLGB, and those types because actual discussion is favored over virtue signalling and blind repetition of tired rhetoric. I also don't really consider myself to be a willing member of any LGB groups, despite being in them by nature. As I said, I don't like being associated with those groups, because most often the extremes and the worst they can offer is what's at the front and center.

I appreciate that these groups exist, but I think they're hurting themselves more than helping in the current state of it. I think the TQ+ currently carries the majority of blame. I understand that many of the TQ+ also belong in the LGB, but they are still individual issues, and I think they should be individual causes that are friends, if anything, rather than married.

The "exotic" thing is so ridiculous lol. Fortunately (unfortunately?) for men it's the opposite. It's a turn off rather than a turn on, so thankfully I haven't had to deal with that.

[–]Constantine 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

  1. No, because I'm perpetually single and already feel like I surprised my family by being interested in men in the first place as a GNC woman, so I don't want to like have that awkward conversation again unecessarily. I know they won't really care, so I'm just kind of meh about telling them as long as I'm single and don't really have a reason to. As for non-family, everyone already assumes I'm a lesbian anyway without asking, apparently, and it doesn't come up much. I suppose next time it does come up I could correct them, but usually it's very awkward and not that important.

  2. I don't know, I feel like it would be cool if more people came out, but I'm also honestly annoyed by so many bi women in het relationships coming out and shopping for "unicorns" and perpetuating negative stereotypes, so I guess it depends on who we're talking about here. Not that I think there's anything wrong with het-leaning bi women, or open relationships, or whatever, but I worry about being judged/trying to date as someone who's not into that kind of set-up. I wish more bi men would come out, but I get why they don't.

  3. See above two points. Numbers wise, and for social pressure reasons, I think we're more likely to end up in het relationships, so why come out when it doesn't really matter? And bisexuals are judged by straights and LGs alike, so less likely to want to come out to either for that reason.

  4. See above. More opposite sex partners to choose from, and social pressure to be in a het relationship. I think they're both factors.

  5. Depends. I like it here in GC communities. I also like that liberal feminists have made bisexuality more "visible" or whatever word they're using right now, but then there are all the negative stereotypes listed above that go along with that, and all the QT bullshit. I don't think bi men have made much progress at all, unfortunately. We almost never hear about them even in bi communities.

[–]PeakingPeachEater[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I can relate to a lot of what you said as a gender non-conforming woman. I thought I was gay for the longest time and tried hiding it---also thought I needed to transition to be "normal" and "straight".

I hope you don't mind me asking, because it's a rather personal question(you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable--), but why do you feel as "perpetually single"? Was it in relation to biphobia or other things? I felt that way before too...For me, just that the women I liked were straight or I was too scared to ask or the men that I liked rejected me for being too "boyish" or they ended up being creepy and only liking me because I was "exotic".

I wish more bi men would come out, but I get why they don't.

I can't speak for bi men, but from what I've seen, they've been told they're secretly gay, that they don't exist, have HIV/STD, are not masculine enough, etc and I think it may be so constant that they just get tired of trying/bothering to be visible. I have an article posted on this sub and there's this quote:

Suresha pointed me to a 2005 New York Times article with the headline “Straight, Gay, Or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited,” the fallout of which he saw as “a disaster for bi people.” The article reported on a new study “cast[ing] doubt on whether true bisexuality exists, at least in men.” The study in question measured the genital arousal of a small sample of men and found, as the Times summarized, that “three-quarters of the [bisexual male] group had arousal patterns identical to those of gay men; the rest were indistinguishable from heterosexuals.”

I feel you though, I would love to hear more from bisexual men to see what they go through. Your question would be a good post here and over at s/LGBDropTheT since it has a wider audience.

[–]Constantine 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sure, I don’t mind answering. I think my perpetual singleness is related to a combination of things, chief among them that I have Asperger’s and am just generally bad at social interaction. Romantic relationships seem to be my kryptonite in this regard.

Additionally, men do seem to find me too masculine, even now that I present more “tomboyish” than “butch.” At first, men seem to like that I’m “not like the other girls,” but then I either drop them for buying into such a ridiculous trope or they get threatened because I’m not feminine enough for them after all. As for women, to go back to my first point I find them even more difficult to interact with than men in most cases for some reason.

And yeah, I was actually reading about that study yesterday in regards to bi men. The guy who ran the study also used his conclusions to justify arguing that all women are bi as opposed to straight/lesbian. This strikes me as methodologically questionable. The results of the study have been replicated, I believe, but that still doesn’t speak to the cause. The way men and women are socialized could account for the differences in physiological responses to pornography, for instance, not sexual orientation. This study also strikes me as interesting when compared to the ones that demonstrate male sexuality is more malleable in that porn can instill fetishes in them easier than in women. But now we’re way off topic, haha.

[–]PeakingPeachEater[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

1. Are you currently out about being bisexual? Why or why not? Only to my partner and brothers. I was stupid and drunk one day, and ended up "coming out" to my brothers about being bi...As for my partner, I let him know beforehand, because it's a courtesy. Some people may not be down to date bisexuals, and that's okay. He was fine with it.

But apart from that, I usually keep my mouth shut and don't say anything. I don't wanna hear guys say "Oh, which girl do you think is hot?" Or women tell me "I'm soooo pansexual!! I sleep around with both boys and girls, I can relate!". Just leave me alone. I'm tired of dumb shit.

2. Do you think more people should start coming out as bisexual? Or does it matter? On one hand, I don't think it's anyone's business who someone sleeps with except for their partner or love interest. But...On the other hand, that's probably WHY we're so invisible because not a lot of us are speaking up or sadly, some are using political labels such as "queer", pansexual, omnisexual, polysexual, etc which essential all mean "gender theory bisexuals".

3. Why do you think many bisexuals are not out? I can't speak for them, but I wasn't out due to religious family members, the stigma behind being bi(aka, biphobia), the fetishization, or people just like "but I thought you were gay?". Both homosexuals and heterosexuals view bisexuality a certain type of way which may make dating/relationships harder too. It's also not always easy finding other bisexual people---especially NON-TQ+ ones. Our group of gender-skeptic bisexuals seem a bit rare in this crowd.

I guess that's why I ended up with a straight guy(who's against TQ+) than with other people with other sexual orientations.

4. According to studies, the majority of bisexuals end up in opposite-sex relationships---What are you thoughts on that? Ah, I didn't realize how repetitive I made some of these questions, haha. Similar to what I said in the previous point, it's biphobia and stigma for the reason why studies may show more opposite-sex relationships among bisexuals rather than same-sex.

Apart from that, I believe many from the L and G aren't very keen/interested on dating bisexuals either, so more of the B date straight people.

Also, just a thought---Some people may be claiming to be bisexual when they're not, which skews the srudies for bisexuality.

5. Do you feel the bisexual communities (whether that be from LGBT+, LGB Alliance, etc) is helping, hurting or doing nothing for bisexuals?

The LGBTQ+ is harming us, the LGB Alliance hardly did anything for the B to be honest, I don't see them saying/doing much in general though...

As for individual bisexual communities, there are some out there and I know a YouTuber called BisexualRealTalk who is always bringing awareness to bisexuality and he even writes books on bisexual men in particular.

[–]mvmlego 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

the LGB Alliance hardly did anything for the B to be honest

I'm not denying that bisexual people face some unique challenges or stigmas, but I've seen this line repeated by each of the groups in the acronym with respect to their own group more times than I can count.

[–]diapason 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah. TBH I think we (everyone) just need to give it more time—they're a young organization and haven't really had the *chance * to do much yet

[–]PenseePansy 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

  1. Not IRL, largely cuz-- as I feel unworthy of being sexual at all-- THIS sexuality seems like way too much to live up to (i.e., expectation that I'll be the embodiment of uninhibited slutdom). It's absurd, I know, but the sense that I'm just not hawt enough REALLY bothers me. Also the concern that, given how much stigma bisexuals suffer, I'd be bad PR (what with my epic fucked-up-ness). Plus the knowledge that GAY people are no less likely to give me a hard time about it is truly disheartening.
  2. Yes... guess that I can add "hypocrite" to my long list of sins! But I do think that so many of us being closeted is detrimental; perpetuates the all-too-prevalent invisibility, and prevents us from organizing to support each another and further our interests. Also, that invisibility can even be from our own POV-- if this orientation isn't acknowledged by the culture-at-large, we're likely not to recognize it in ourselves, and just identify as gay or straight. Robs us of our true numbers and the chance for so many bi people to know who they really are.
  3. Stigma, and what's at the root of it: the sense that bisexuality isn't legitimate-- doesn't exist; not an actual sexual orientation. Plus the fact that we're generally unwelcome even among GAY people! Which encourages us to be closeted even where they feel free to be out.
  4. Unsurprising: math (most of the people who are attracted to us will be straight); LGs often don't want to date bisexuals; due to self-invisibility many of us assume we're straight; default closetedness tends to mean that we're pseudo-straight, thus spend a lot of time alongside the genuine article (so are apt to pair up with 'em).
  5. From my limited perspective, the latter two: mostly doing nothing for bisexuals (we remain all but invisible in such communities), and-- to the extent that they're focused on pushing the Borg genderist/TQ+ agenda-- actively hurting us.